Overcoming the 'Disease of Niceness' in Church Leadership

I ran across this term in a book I was reading the other day as I was researching how we were going to apply a new leadership rule between our Board and Leadership team.

The term was, “disease of niceness”.

The idea is that in churches, ministry leaders sometimes are nice to maintain some semblance of status quo instead of leading with truth shared in kindness. Take this scenario as an example:

A leader has been consistently showing up late to their location of service and your first interaction looks similar to this:

Late Leader: I am so sorry for being late, I just had so much trouble getting here on time today.

Ministry Leader: That’s ok, I am so thankful that you are here.

This is a small example of what often grows egregious over time. Now I want to be clear, I am not advocating being rude or aggressive in your conversation, but often we are just nice. When you think about it can be really dismissive to a person as well. Why were they late? Is this an opportunity to extend further care? Is this just an area of coaching? Is it really about their pride and ego or could it be a lack ability to plan ahead, trouble sleeping, car issues, etc.? When we are nice instead of kind, we dismiss the person in order to move on quickly but seem like we care. But a kind conversation looks a bit more like this.

Late Leader: I am so sorry for being late, I just had so much trouble getting here on time today.

Ministry Leader: I am thankful you are here, but can you tell me what happened this morning that caused you to be late? (notice we are leaning into the relationship more than just trying to move on from the interaction).

My follow-up with this late leader would be gently and kindly reminding them that this has been a consistent problem and that it puts people counting on them to be there in a more difficult spot than they should be.

This might seem like a small but subtle conversation, but kindness means pointing out a growth area while niceness is all about dismissing in order to move on. Helpful reminder:

Here are some suggestions to begin to move your culture from niceness to kindness:

1. Set Clear Expectations: From the beginning, establish clear guidelines and expectations for behavior and performance. Communicate these openly and ensure everyone understands them. This sets a standard that helps prevent issues before they arise.

2. Lead by Example: Demonstrate the behavior you expect from others. Show kindness without compromising on principles. Be approachable but also firm in upholding the values and standards of the church.

3. Encourage Open Communication: Foster an environment where staff and volunteers feel comfortable expressing concerns and feedback. This can be done through regular meetings, one-on-one check-ins, and offering opportunities in meetings for questions and feedback. Open communication helps address issues early on.

4. Provide Constructive Feedback: When addressing sinful behaviors or underperformance, be direct but compassionate. Use specific examples and focus on the behavior, not the person. Offer guidance on how they can improve and support them in making those changes.

5. Be Consistent: Apply rules and consequences consistently to all staff and volunteers. Inconsistency can lead to confusion and a perception of favoritism, undermining trust and morale of the team.

Remember that Ephesians 4:15 leads us to share the truth in love with others. That is the mark of kindness we are to implement in our leadership.